CONTENTMENT

There's that saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side".  Well I want to know...Is the grass always greener on the other side? When will MY grass be green on MY side? I find myself constantly sounding like a 3 year old- "I want this, I want that, I want I want I want".  I know I sound ridiculous, but will I ever be content with what I have?

We as mothers tend to be very hard on ourselves.  We as women in general tend to be hard on ourselves.
We want to be skinnier
We want to be taller
We want to be prettier
We want to be better at everything
We want an awesome career
We want to be married to prince charming and have well-behaved kids
We want to be the worlds best mom
We want to be the worlds craftiest mom
We want to be a organized, and keep a clean house, and be an amazing cook, and the list goes on and on....


For awhile I was blaming it on social media- Facebook, Pinterest, etc..or just the fact that this is how we are wired. We are women, and we do A LOT of comparing.  If you don't do A, B, or C, like Mrs. Jones, then you are not a good mom. Well, we need to cut ourselves a break. Just because we throw an awesome birthday party, or cook our family a 4 course gourmet meal, or keep our house spotless and organized does not make a world class mom. All you need is LOVE :) But lets be real.... I can tell myself this all day long, and by the next day I am back to re-decorating my house, or coming up with a new idea for my backyard oasis.

 Priorities change, and mine change a lot faster than others.  A word I need to install in my vocabulary is CONTENTMENT.  I know what the Bible says on this and one of my favorite verses is Matthew 6:33 - But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
This is a lot easier said then done.  Maybe my "wants" run a lot deeper than just comparison.  I ran across a quote the other day that really hit me.  Maybe I am constantly trying to keep myself busy with projects and buying material things because I am trying to fill a void or this emptiness I feel inside.  The quote is by Florence Welch- "When you are heartbroken, you are at your most creative- you have to channel all your energies into something else to not think about it."

When you're heartbroken, you're at your most creative - you have to channel all your energies into something else to not think about it.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/contentment.html#KVBtSVHUctsUgX5l.99

I wouldn't say I am heartbroken, but my heart does still heart.  I am crazy in love with my lol G-man and I don't want to change or replace him ever..... but will I ever be content with not having that baby that I "lost"? The one that I daydreamed about for 9 months?  Could this be what I am trying to fill? We were sure that we were done having children after Lukas, but obviously that wasn't Gods plan, so after another positive pregnancy test,  I hounded Curtis for awhile about getting snipped.   Well fast forward 9 months...no for real THE DAY before Gavin was born, Curtis lost his manhood.. just kidding..it wasn't that bad.  So.... now that we cannot have anymore children, I decide that I MAY WANT more! Why?!!!  Is it because I want what I can't have? Or are these feelings somehow trying to replace that baby I didn't have? If Gavin didn't have Down syndrome, would I still want more? I don't know!!!!!

 I like to always end on a positive note, showing that I have learned something from my thoughts and words and I am a better person for it. I want to be able to share right now that I AM FINALLY CONTENT WHERE I AM! But I can't seem to do that right now.   I am still working through a lot of things, and that's OK. It doesn't mean that I am ungrateful for what I have, because I am extremely thankful for everything that I have been blessed with...

The one thing I am sure of, is that I love my children. God blessed me with 3 awesome children, but especially with Gavin, for reasons I may not know or understand right now.  I need to try my best and keep working towards being content.  I need to start living life with the children I do have, and stop worrying about the ones I don't, and may never have. I will get there.