Why me? Why now? - Curtis' Story

I am writing this to share my point of view on Gavin’s birth.  Not to beat a dead horse, but most people feel for the mother and forget that the father goes through something very difficult as well.  So where do I begin?  I’m at the hospital the morning before my baby boy is supposed to be delivered. I’m sitting on the couch with my bag of ice down my pants because I just had gotten snipped (Vasectomy) the day before.  At the time we thought this was a great idea since we had help for the other two boys and I would be able to rest in the hospital with lots of ice.  As the day goes on I’m very anxious and excited about meeting my new baby and then the time finally arrives. When Elizabeth pushes him out, my first thought was what’s wrong with his face? I thought back to when Zachary was born and he had come out with his head shaped like a cone.  I asked the doctor “what’s wrong with his head, is it going to stay like that forever?” Then I was informed that this is what happens when they move through the birth canal.  Gavin came out head up so his forehead looked very coned shaped.  The more I looked at Gavin the more I thought he had something wrong with him. I thought possibly it could be Down syndrome, I mean, I’ve heard about Ds, but never really knew what it was. I really didn’t say much to Liz about it when she asked because I was unsure.  His face was really swollen, black and blue so it was hard to tell what was going on.

Elizabeth is a really big worrier, so I kept re-assuring her that nothing was wrong because if I told her that I thought something was wrong she would probably freak out, which she did anyway.  The entire time in the hospital baby Gav wasn’t around much due to his jaundice levels being high, but every time a nurse came by I would ask, just to get reassurance that nothing was wrong with my son. I think they knew something was wrong but weren’t allowed to say anything. I felt like they were all thinking something was wrong, but wouldn’t just say it.  Then the day we were being discharged, one doctor dropped the bomb on us and said she was leaning towards 75% that he has Ds.  We were like “woah! What? how can you be so sure? The first doctor that had examined him said that he had no signs of Ds , except for the eyes.  The last day at the hospital Liz’s sisters and my nieces showed up. They were all extremely positive and said “Oh, there is nothing wrong with him, he looks so normal, there is no way he has Ds.” We had the reassurance that we wanted.

When we left the hospital we decided to have his blood cord test for Ds, just to have peace of mind and they said it would be 1 to 2 weeks before we got the results. That week was probably the longest, most emotional week of my life, besides losing my father when I was young.  That whole week Liz did so much research on Ds that she could probably be an expert on it, but I didn’t.  I was in denial and figured I would find out more if it were necessary. I thought Down syndrome was a severe form of mental illness. I thought it meant he would basically be a vegetable, living in a wheelchair, and not able to care for himself at all.   So….the phone call finally came and my heart was pumping out of my chest, palms sweating and nervous as can be. Then the doc said the words Trisomy 21 and that’s all I heard. The rest of the conversation was a blur. Everything she said I  answered with yeah, yeah, yeah and nothing else.  My head sank into my palms and I didn’t know how to feel.  I wanted to cry but I knew I couldn’t because I had to be strong for Liz and the boy’s.  I didn’t want to show her that I was weak because I didn’t think she could handle it if she knew I was breaking down.

As the week went on all I could think, all the time was why me? Again? Haven’t I been through enough? Shed enough tears when I lost my father?  Why this, why now, how come me again, are you serious? How am I going to handle this? Those were all the questions I kept thinking over and over again.  I have never dealt with anything like this before. I mean, I have two healthy little boys, why does Gav have to be different?  Why does any child have to be born so different or struggle in life? What did those precious little children do to deserve this?  Driving to work a couple times during that week I cried as I thought about my little man and everything he is going to have to go through. I really didn’t know how to handle it. Then I started to focus on the positives. With all of Elizabeth’s research, she had found so many other children with Ds that had major surgeries due to heart issues and digestive issues.  I began to feel extremely thankful that he’s healthy, home with us and not in the hospital.  Was I still upset? Yeah of course I was! But it could be so much worse…. My heart and prayers goes out to those families that have dealt with multiple surgeries and loss. I can’t imagine.

Fast forward 8 weeks and I am now just focusing on all the positives and living day to day with my little man, Gav, and my two other little men. I try not to think of anything negative and it’s slowly getting better. I have learned so much from that first week and now am educated on what Ds is, and that Gav will be able to do the same things as Zachary and Lukas, he will just do them at a slower pace. We, as a family have no idea what the future holds. All we have is the time here and now. I keep telling Elizabeth, let’s focus on the positives and live day to day and deal with therapies in the future. “Let’s love our little boys and spend as much time with them as we can because they grow up so fast.”

Curtis Woods