The Day Our Lives Changed Forever

Thinking back to the time that we were waiting on the results of the test is very upsetting to me.  So many emotions mixed with lack of sleep is not the best combo.  Most of what I remember was lots of tears and lots of researching.  I probably "googled" most of the day, everyday.  We played the whole "he's got it, no he doesn't, yes he does, no he doesn't" game the entire week.  I actually remember being very upset because I feel like I was robbed.  I was robbed of the joy and happiness you feel when you first give birth.  I wasn't able to enjoy my brand new baby because every time I looked at him, all I could think was DOWN SYNDROME.  Since there are many signs of Down Syndrome, and because Gavin only had a few of those (small ears, small slanted eyes, brushfield spots in his eyes), it was difficult to say either way.  The doctors were not sure even sure one way or the other. There was one doctor who specializes in Down Syndrome at our ped's office who looked him over and said he was positive he DID NOT have it because his muscle tone is pretty good for an infant.  The only way of knowing 100% was this blood test we were waiting on.  All we could do was pray and pray and pray some more.  

It was a Friday, and I had been out shopping with my mom and Gavin, when I saw I had a voicemail. It was the pediatrician and she said she had the results.  I instantly felt sick and our shopping trip was cut short so we could rush home.  I called and left a message for her to call us back since she was with patients.  When the phone rang, and I saw the number, I threw the phone to Curtis and told him to answer because I just could not do it.  He went into the office and closed the door.  I sat in our living room shaking.  My heart was beating so loud I could hear it in my ears. My palms were sweaty and I felt like I was about to pass out.  I wanted so bad for him to come out of that office with a huge smile on his face and tell me that everything was fine, but he didn't.  After what seemed like an eternity, I opened the office door and there sat Curtis, all bent over with his head in his hands.  I knew right then and fell to the floor. "Why me? Why me God? Why did you choose me to have a child with a disability?" I felt like God was punishing for something.  Being only 29 years old when I became pregnant means that I had approximately 1 out of 1200 chances of having a child with down syndrome.  So yes.... I was very confused as to why I was chosen.  On top of all those feelings I felt like I was mourning. Did my baby die? NO!!! but to be completely honest, I was hurt and angry and I felt like I had actually lost my child.  I was mourning the loss of him.  My vision of this beautiful, healthy, "normal" baby was gone, poof, just like that.

I have learned so much from that day.  Is this what we had planned? No, but sometimes our plans are not God's plans and we have to accept that.  I've been struggling with this for awhile now but little by little I am understanding that Down Syndrome is not a bad thing, it's just different.  Our lives are not over...we are just taking another path.  I read a story that really clarified things for me and opened my eyes to understanding what this meant. It's called Welcome to Holland, by Emily Perl Kingsley and you can read it here:  http://www.ndss.org/Resources/New-Expectant-Parents/A-Parents-Perspective/#sthash.dXZyHwRN

Sometimes I get so caught up in the diagnosis that I forget to look at the big picture here.  Although he has this diagnosis, he is a beautiful, healthy baby boy, with no major health conditions. This is something that I am extremely grateful for. A little under half of children born with Down Syndrome have some sort of heart defect...some being so major they require open heart surgery.  A few days before Christmas we met with the cardiologist and Gavin had an EKG which showed that his heart was perfect.  This was the best Christmas present we could ever ask for.

Merry Christmas (a little late) from our family to yours

                                                                                

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©1987 BY EMILY PERL KINGSLEY.

- See more at: http://www.ndss.org/Resources/New-Expectant-Parents/A-Parents-Perspective/#sthash.dXZyHwRN.dpuf

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©1987 BY EMILY PERL KINGSLEY.

- See more at: http://www.ndss.org/Resources/New-Expectant-Parents/A-Parents-Perspective/#sthash.dXZyHwRN.dpuf